Thank you Nathan, although I must say I felt like deleting this scene from the novel, or moving it, for I think it is a slow starter and one would need a more grabbing scene, with more action and trouble brewing.
I wonder what you'd hack away, although I don't expect you to give me a full edit, but a thing I always ask people who read my stuff is, what did you like the least?
This was some of my very first writing, I will definitely get some thorough editing after I finish the manuscript 💅
Jul 15, 2023·edited Jul 15, 2023Liked by Hans Joachim Kuhlmann
Oh nothing major, I just meant some minor sentence tweaks, trimming things, snipping a few adverbs, and tightening. But that's me being picky and I have no real right to come and say anything so you can tell me to stop 😅
E.g. the first em-dash doesn't seem to work for me when I read it. (Same with the later "fumungous" one.)
"The pipe was handmade and had carved ornaments on its side, which Shawn could have only described as — fungal warriors — men with mushrooms growing out of their bodies."
Personally I'd cut the first em-dash and if you wanted to add emphasis then *fungal warriors* could be in italics, or in quotation marks.
(And stylistically, I think em-dashes aren't meant to have spaces either side, but perhaps that's an old fashioned thing to adhere to.)
Anyway, it's great and vivid and I don't think pacing is an issue for me with this after the prologue.
Thank you for taking the time to write this fumungous reply 😁
I suck with em dashes, I don't really get them. I get the idea, sort of, but when I am writing I can't find the right place. Maybe I could read up on it a bit.
Oh yeah, the dreaded adverbs! Its only until recently that I've heard of their reputation. I'll have to do some snipping for sure!!
Very good, Hans. You've got a knack for vivid descriptions that weave through the writing. I'm intrigued.
There's probably a few minor things I'd hack away at if I were editing, but I really like this. Good work 👍
Thank you Nathan, although I must say I felt like deleting this scene from the novel, or moving it, for I think it is a slow starter and one would need a more grabbing scene, with more action and trouble brewing.
I wonder what you'd hack away, although I don't expect you to give me a full edit, but a thing I always ask people who read my stuff is, what did you like the least?
This was some of my very first writing, I will definitely get some thorough editing after I finish the manuscript 💅
Again, thanks a lot! 😁
Oh nothing major, I just meant some minor sentence tweaks, trimming things, snipping a few adverbs, and tightening. But that's me being picky and I have no real right to come and say anything so you can tell me to stop 😅
E.g. the first em-dash doesn't seem to work for me when I read it. (Same with the later "fumungous" one.)
"The pipe was handmade and had carved ornaments on its side, which Shawn could have only described as — fungal warriors — men with mushrooms growing out of their bodies."
Personally I'd cut the first em-dash and if you wanted to add emphasis then *fungal warriors* could be in italics, or in quotation marks.
(And stylistically, I think em-dashes aren't meant to have spaces either side, but perhaps that's an old fashioned thing to adhere to.)
Anyway, it's great and vivid and I don't think pacing is an issue for me with this after the prologue.
Thank you for taking the time to write this fumungous reply 😁
I suck with em dashes, I don't really get them. I get the idea, sort of, but when I am writing I can't find the right place. Maybe I could read up on it a bit.
Oh yeah, the dreaded adverbs! Its only until recently that I've heard of their reputation. I'll have to do some snipping for sure!!
Thank you again! 🙌 ☕️
I'm by no means an expert, so grain of salt etc 😅
too humble 😄 no worries, I wont quote you on it 😌 its nice to get some opinions, which people rarely offer. Especially from fellow writers ✍️
Welcome :) It's always good to discuss with fellow writers.
I shall be continuing reading, so looking forward to subsequent chapters!